Archive for August, 2009

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TMI Thursday: That Florida Chick With the Depends Wasn’t So Dumb After All

August 27, 2009

Hi, everyone, I’m Kimberly! I knew I needed to share this, but my own site is no place for it, so here we go…

Ironically, this TMIT takes place on a Thursday about five weeks ago.  My parents were visiting from Arizona and staying with me so we decided to go visit my grandma, my Dad’s mom, before they flew back to AZ.  My grandma just turned 87 so we were going to go see her and take her to out to lunch to celebrate.  Even though my grandma lives only 2 hours or so away from me I never visit her.  I know, I think this TMI may be karma kicking me in the ass, literally.

So, off we went.  FYI, the town she lives in? Is notoriously known as a hub bub for senior citizens, therefore totally lame.  So we get to Grandma’s house and after all the hello’s, we ask Grandma where she wants to go for lunch.  Now, my Mom had warned me that my Grandma really liked going to this super nasty restaurant and would probably want to go there.  She was right.  My Dad tried to convince her that we would take her to the casino, AKA nicest restaurant/buffet in town, and get her a really nice lunch there but she wasn’t having it at all.  Just gave my Dad a blank stare until he realized that she was holding her ground.  So we were off to the super nasty place, but I thought, how bad could it really be?

We pulled up to the restaurant and I shit you not, I thought that it was closed!  It looked all dark and there was not one car in the parking lot. Not a good sign at all!  My Mom just kept saying over and over again how bad this place was, it was open and she really didn’t want to go in.  Finally, we go inside and I instantly knew this was not going to be good.

This restaurant was an American style restaurant run by ASIANS!  Don’t get me wrong, I love Asian food.  But Asians trying to cook American food? Mot so yummy.  I could not decide what to order off of the menu, because everything sounded disgusting.  Finally after everyone else put in their order I decided to go with the same as my Grandma, deep fried prawns and fries.  I figure she’s 87, she eats this all the time and she’s okay so it must be a safe bet.

I slammed the food down as best I could, as did my parents, and we left that nasty joint $70 later.

Here’s a little tid bit of info about me… if I eat something that makes me sick it usually only takes about 45 minutes to cycle through, and this was no exception.  I could immediately feel something brewing, something bad.  So before I left Grandma’s I decided to use her bathroom and drop a few kids at the pool to ease my queasiness.  Have you ever tried to poop when you really don’t feel good but nothing comes out?  That was me.   What did come out wasn’t much and I still felt sick to my stomach. So I thought well, maybe it will be okay once I can relax in the car while I am driving.  Get some fresh air and stuff.

So off we go, I’m driving and my Dad is in the front seat next me.  We are on our way out of town and I am doing my best to ignore the feelings of nastiness brewing inside.  As I am listening to my parents talk about Obama’s health care shit for the 100th time I am getting a little nervous that I may need to make a pit stop sooner rather than later.  Finally I tell my parents to shut the hell up because I can’t take the conversation reruns any longer and I needed to find a bathroom or there were going to be dire consequences.  Naturally my parents are freaking out reminding me that this is a two lane highway, there are no bathrooms or restaurants for at least 20 more minutes.  As if I hadn’t noticed!

At this point I am in a panic.  My stomach is turning and churning something awful, and finally,  I realize that I have one of two choices:  poop in my pants or pull over and pop a squat on the side of the road.  It’s probably not helping that I am driving behind a semi truck with an advertisement on the back of a big juicy burger and four different marinades. At this point my Dad is frantic because I’m pretty sure that he was scared by my facial expressions and the thought of me pooping my pants right next to him.

After what seems like an eternity I finally find someones driveway to pull off to on the side and jump out of the car with a kleenex box in my hand.  Thats right, I said kleenex.  I cant go number three and not wipe!  I ran around the car frantically thinking, oh shit, where in the hell am I gonna go without everyone driving on the highway seeing me take a dump!?  While keeping it together, literally, I direct my Dad to turn the car sideways and park it so I was pretty sheltered from the traffic on the highway.  Finally as comfortable as I can possibly get for this situation, I pop a squat next the passenger front tire and settle in to do my business.  I was pretty confident that my Dad couldn’t see what I was doing, but my poor Mom had a front row seat.  I hope she didn’t watch but I’m pretty sure that she glanced.  My Mom is sick like that.

Did I mention that I was doing the deed on the side of someone’s driveway?  I could see their house sitting on the hill with the living room that was a wall of windows overlooking, you guessed it, the driveway.  I was trying so hard to get everything out before the person that lived there decided to look out and notice someone taking a disgusting runny poop on their driveway.  Though, I was pretty proud of myself though that I managed to keep clean and not get any poop on my clothes.  I finished dropping bombs and then I looked down at my mess covered in Kleenex, it was still pretty nasty.  I felt so bad for shitting on someones driveway I couldn’t just leave it there.  I grabbed a bunch of Kleenex and grabbed at it to throw it in the sticker bushes behind the car.  That’s right I’m polite!

When my poop stop was complete I climbed back in to the car to face my parents.  My Dad could not stop laughing and being grossed out at the same time.  The rest of the ride was an onslaught of poop stories and the like for the rest of the way. At least these stories were way better than hearing about Obama and his healthcare plan for seniors.

Now here is the fucked up part.  As soon as I got back into the car after my incident  I was cracking up to myself thinking that this was a great TMI Thursday and I should tell LiLu.  How great is that I nearly poop myself and I think of LiLu.  Sorry LiLu.  So, so sorry.