The Dating GameNovember 2, 2009
Scene: A stage. Three chairs on stage left for bachelors. Two chairs on stage right- one for host, one for bachelorette. Large divider between.
Host: Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve met our bachelorette. What do you say we meet our bachelors? And heeeeeee-re they arrrrrrrrr-re! Bachelor #1, sum yourself up in one sentence.
Bachelor #1: I’m tall, good-looking and fiercely intelligent.
Host: Excellent. Bachelor #2?
Bachelor #2: I believe Sarah Palin should be our next President and global warming is a myth.
Host: Conservative, interesting. Bachelor #3?
Bachelor #3: I’m pretty flaky and rarely sober, but I love music.
Host: Well, that is our men summed up. Bachelorette, would you like to ask the Bachelors a question?
Bachelorette: Sure. I’ll ask the same question to all of the men. Describe our first date and our first kiss.
Bachelor #1: Well, it won’t really be a date. I’ll call and invite you out to see a band. Get you into a sold out show, VIP section. In the middle of the show, we’ll hop over to another venue to check out another band. When we’re in the car, at the first stoplight we get to, we’ll start making out, and we will keep kissing until the car behind us honks.
Bachelorette: Wow. Bachelor #2?
Bachelor #2: Well, you’ll invite me over to your place and you’ll cook dinner. At some point in the conversation you will be so desperate for me to shut up about my conservative politics that you will kiss me. I’m great in bed so you’ll likely decide to keep me busy there so I’m not talking.
Bachelorette: Ok. Hmmmm. And bachelor #3?
Bachelor #3: We’ll meet at our local bar. Super low-key. And I’ll convince you to come back to my place to listen to the musician I am obsessed with. That’s when I’ll make my move. But I’ll have had enough to drink that we won’t have sex because I won’t be able to get hard.
Host (chuckling uncomfortably): Well, Bachelor #3, it’s not Thursday yet. Maybe you should keep that TMI to yourself. Does our Bachelorette have another question for our men?
Bachelorette: Gentlemen, I’ve been burned in the past by long distance relationships. So, short and sweet, tell me how far away from me you live.
Bachelor #1: 100 miles.
Bachelor #2: 60 minutes. But I don’t mind the driving!
Bachelor #3: You can walk to my place.
Host: We have time for one more question. Bachelorette, what have you got?
Bachelorette: Well, we all have strengths and weaknesses. So, sum up for me, why shouldn’t I pick you?
Bachelor #1: You’ve already slept with my cousin.
Bachelor #2: I think I already mentioned that I want Sarah Palin to be our next President.
Bachelor #3: Well, like I said, I’m a little flaky. I mean I’m single, but I’ve been seeing someone. But by seeing someone, I mean sleeping with them. But we’re not exclusive.
Bachelorette: (Speechless for a moment.) This is tough. I mean none of them are right. Can’t I just keep them all floating around for a bit? Let survival of the fittest work its magic?
Host: Well, of course, you can do whatever you want. In fact, if you wait until next weekend, we have a tall, good-looking 22-year old for you to ask a few questions of! So, ladies and gentlemen, thanks for tuning in and we’ll see you next week!